Mother Inferior

When You Don't Feel Grateful

I'm a busy working mom who has the same struggles as most. My hubby and I are concerned about paying bills, spending enough time with our kids, and making our marriage work. I also deal with some health problems, so we worry about healthcare, getting older, and what the future holds.

 

My body fails me at times, due to chronic fatigue which stems from an autoimmune disease. It all began with a bout of mono when I was 25. Although I'm much healthier now than I've been in a long time--thanks to a good doc, strict diet, medicine/supplements, exercise, and the like--keeping up with kids and a job and hubby (plus ministry stuff, when God allows) is hard enough during the year.

 

Then around the holidays I get weepy and frustrated because I can't do more...I have to say "no" to a lot of things or let my boys and husband go on without me. Oh, yeah, and there are all the treats I can't have...sigh.

 

So how to give thanks? That's what we're supposed to do tomorrow, right? :) Let's be honest--sometimes giving thanks is difficult. Especially when you've lost your job, a spouse, child, friends, home, or health.

 

But we know it's the right thing to do, and hey--maybe it's contagious. Perhaps we could spread thankfulness instead of the Swine flu. Wouldn't that be great?!

 

I like that thought. Maybe I'll "catch" some gratitude from others. Or maybe someone could catch it from me...hmmmm....so even though I don't "feel" like it, I'll start with the hard stuff. 

 

First, if having a chronic illness has taught me anything, it's empathy and compassion. For that, I'm grateful. And at the end of the day, I have to say that when I look at my life, I see a pretty normal American existence, with normal (often silly) concerns. In a world of turmoil and poverty, that normalcy in itself is worth giving thanks for!

 

There, I'm feeling better already.

 

My faith, family, and friends are also huge blessings. I'm in awe of the ways they feed my spirit and keep me grounded, and I pray I will never take them for granted. Daily, diverse gifts--a hug from my child, an encouraging email from a friend, a Bible passage that speaks right to me--provide me with sustenance and allow me to sleep peacefully. 

 

Last night, our family of four went ice skating. The music, laughter, and fresh air brightened my spirit, which had been heavy. Sometimes, I get melancholy around Thanksgiving because I lost my grandmother (one of my best friends) during this time of year, and I wish she could have known my kiddos. She would have loved them! I miss her infectious laugh, joyful spirit, and creative fearlessness about life.

 

However, my sweet husband told me today that I'm carrying on the things I love about her. For that I'm supremely grateful.

 

And even as I recognize that for me--and many others--this time of year has its challenges and can result in intense grief, I don't want to forget that the holidays also offer great surprises and deep meaning. The babe in the manger came to give us hope, and the pilgrims ventured into the unknown to worship that same babe in freedom. What sacrifice and bravery they showed!

Luci Swindoll wrote in You Bring the Confetti: "A grateful heart is not only the greatest virtue, it is the seedbed of every other virtue." I do long for a virtuous life, and pray for the same for my children.

 

So in the spirit of simplicity and wonder, this year on November 26, I will whisper an appropriate prayer as I climb into a warm bed: thanks. Thanks for my country, family, friends, memories, Saviour--and yes, even my weaknesses and struggles.

Just...thanks.

Do I Have to Deal with My Past AGAIN?!

It all started with a pain in my right hand and arm. A sharp, stinging pain, to be exact. Then my hand and arm started going numb. Not good--especially since I use my arm all the time to write, either by hand or on the computer.

I made an appointment with my chiropracter, who had just given me an adjustment. And I saw my general physician, too. They both agreed it wasn't a pinched nerve and probably wasn't carpal tunnel, because of the way the pain was radiating. It could be an irrirated nerve, my doc said, and gave me anti-inflammatories. She said to call back in a few days if it wasn't better and she would do an X-ray. (I'm in those few days right now, and it's better, though not totally.)

No big deal, right? Except I started really freaking out. As in my mind going crazy places (is this the beginning stages of something awful? Is it my autoimmune disease going awry?) and fear overtaking me, until I could only cry.

I prayed, and tried to rest in God's goodness and sovereignty. I meditated on scripture, too, but I still had no peace, and couldn't figure out what was going on.

And then I remembered.

I was my oldest son's age when my mom began having weird symptoms like tingling arms and hands, bad headaches, etc. For years, she was in and out of doctors' offices, and she was often in bed. She had every kind of test, and most of the doctors concluded she probably (but not certainly) had MS.

It was a devastating time, but we didn't talk about it much at all. We just lived, and tried to pretend everything was normal. As a teen, I did much of the cleaning, cooking, and shopping when Mom was ill. I never knew if she would be fine or in a wheelchair. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to her symptoms.

And though I was scared that she was going to get worse and worse and eventually die, I didn't share that with anyone. I kept everything inside and got good grades, pleased my parents and teachers, and prayed. I was a good girl, because I felt I had to be perfect, almost as if by doing so I could "hold everything together."

Years later when I was in college, Mom was diagnosed with conversion disorder, a rare disease which was common in Victorian times. Mom never learned to talk about or process her feelings, and so her body shut down, little by little. Once she had a diagnosis, everything changed. She went to an inpatient Christian counseling center for a week, and she learned how to express her emotions. At different times, the rest of my family through counseling, too. We're all very different people now.

And yet. Just when I think I'm "past" my past, something crops up and my emotions and fears overtake me. I moaned to my husband the other night, "Why can't healing be once and for all? I think I'm over this stuff, but it keeps coming up. It's like a circle that never ends!"

He held me and let me cry about how scared I was as a child, and how hard it was to never know if your mom was going to be okay or not. He listened as I admitted that I still struggle with letting go (in many areas) because I feel like I have to hold everything together. He let me vent my fears that our kids would have the same kind of struggles, because I don't know what the future holds (though I do try to take care of myself and be proactive about my health). And he encouraged me to keep turning to our Heavenly Father with my sadness and grief.

I have a good guy, y'all! :)

So that's what I've been doing...talking to God about the grief I still feel sometimes about a lost, lonely, sad childhood. I'm asking Him to teach me to let go, so that I can live by faith and not fear. I'm also talking to my kids and letting them know what's happening. I want them to be able to ask me anything and discuss their fears and concerns with us, no matter how hard that might be.

And today, God whispered to me that healing isn't a circle at all. It's a spiral. If I keep my eyes on God (because He's big enough to handle my pain), each time I grieve, even if it's over the same things, I get a little closer to His heart. He whispers His truth to me, replacing the lies I've held onto. He counsels, comforts, and loves me. He never tires of listening, and he places all my tears in a bottle. Someday, His word promises, they'll be jewels in my heavenly crown.

Just now, He spoke to my heart that though my past may affect my present, it doesn't determine my future.

I'm counting on that.

26 Things about My Invisible Illness

26 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Autoimmune disease--hypothyroidism/chronic fatigue/food allergies.
2. I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism in the year: 2000 (other pieces of the puzzle have come into focus since then.)

3. But I had symptoms since: 1995--since a VERY bad case of mono.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Knowing when to rest and when to say "I can't do that."
5. Most people assume: I don't have an illness.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Just getting up! :)
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Anything on Discovery Health.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My heating pad and foot massager.
9. The hardest part about nights are: Dealing with insomnia at times.

10. Each day I take: Over a dozen different pills & supplements. (No comments, please)
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: couldn't live without them!
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I don't know.
13. Regarding working and career: Sometimes it's really tough to show up.
14. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: My limitations and weaknesses.
15. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Have a second child and recover pretty well.
16. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Being able to stay up late and get up early.

17. It was really hard to have to give up: Diet Coke, grains, AND dairy products!
18. My illness has taught me: Everyone has problems, whether they "look" like they do or not!
19. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Are you still tired?
20. But I love it when people: Give me hugs.
21. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Jesus is my strength, and His grace is sufficient.
22. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: You must be your own advocate.
23. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How constant it is.
24. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Give me time and space to rest, and bringing me flowers (my sweet hubby does stuff like this all the time!).
25. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I think it's important to create awareness and cultivate a supportive community.
26. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Honored.

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers on Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com

A Breakthrough on Body Image

 As some of you know, I've been following a new lifestyle eating plan since January--with great results. I have more energy, fewer stomach problems, and generally feel much better. But making time for regular exercise is still hard for me. SO I recently had lunch with a friend, who has the same difficulty. We decided to become exercise accountability partners.

 

Well, satan had a field day with me after that. Here's what I wrote to her: "I have to admit, I have been struggling with whether or not this is the right time for me to attempt this new plan, since summer is coming. But Carey and I've talked about making a daily summer schedule for the boys, and I told him I want to include my exercise in that...I need to make it a priority (and not an afterthought).

 

The other thing I've been struggling with emotionally and spiritually is this stronghold in my life...over body image. It's been an issue since I was a teen, and a certain family member harped on my weight a lot. When I start to try to improve the way I look, I hear voices telling me I'll never get to my goal and that I'm a failure (though I've lost all the baby weight--over 50 plus pounds--from having Jax). I recognize that the lies are from satan, but when I was sick this week it was hard to fight it."

I know so many women who struggle with this same thing. We never feel good enough, and we listen to the culture (and the Hollywood media, especially) that says "thin is in" and "anything over size six is fat." (Crazy!)

But I'm tired of the devil winning this battle. There are so many important, wonderful things in my life that demand and deserve my attention. And for me, washboard abs are not one of them.

 

So I prayed and really asked God (DUH!) what my goal should be. It sounds silly, but that was scary to me as a recovering perfectionist, b/c what if He had said I was just fine the way I was--could I live with that? And I asked for healing and release from this stronghold.

 

Here's what I relayed to my buddy:

"Do you know what God reminded me of when I asked Him what my goal should be? Second Corinthians 5:9, which says, So we make it our goal to please Him.

That hit me like a lightening bolt!

 

It was the key...and something I've been missing in all my years with this issue. I've been separating it from my spiritual life and thinking I can do it on my own--asking God's help to be "disciplined" and stuff, but not really letting Him live through me.

 

Jesus is sooo sweet. He reminded me with one verse that He loves me, and if I just make choices that will please Him--and pray through my day--He will honor that. I can rest assured that when I please Him, all the other stuff (weight, measurements, etc.) will fall into place.

And He also asked me, why in the world should I be harder on myself than He is?"

My dear friend, if you're tired of listening to the same old voices shouting the same old lies at you, ask the Lord what your goals should be. See what He says, and refuse to listen to the world. Seek freedom--which comes from listening to the truth.

 

Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
 

And above all, don't forget that He loves and accepts you more than you can comprehend, just you as you are!

I Feel Oprah's Pain!

Have you seen the January issue of O magazine, or did you see the recent show about her weight struggles? It seems Oprah took herself off her list of priorities last year, and has the weight gain and regret to prove it.

I'm not really an Oprah fan, but oh, how I understand! (And I'm sure my fellow moms relate, too.) Since we moved to our new town in 2007, I went back to work and tried to help my kids and hubby through a difficult life transition. And I sometimes took time for myself--but not too often. Instead, I put myself last on the list and thought, "I'll find a new doctor later" or "I don't feel like exercising today." 

Last fall, I began feeling the effects of too many months of self-neglect. You see, since I had mono in 1995, at the age of 25, I have struggled with autoimmune issues, including chronic fatigue, hypothyroidism, depression, food allergies, and more. Some days have been better than others, but it's been quite a rollercoaster ride as I've tried to find doctors who would give me answers (and not just prescriptions). Having two kids along the way was a blessing, but it complicated my health issues, to say the least (we moms don't get much sleep sometimes, and that messed things up even further).

Anyhow, after a bout of shingles in October, I began sliding into a severe depression again, which made every day a struggle. So with the encouragement of my sweet, patient hubby, we began searching for a doctor in this area who could help. My doctor in Arlington, Dr. Charles Hamel, is awesome--but five hours away is just too far.

We prayed, I did online searches and looked at insurance information, and then God led me to Dr. Ruthie Harper. She specializes in hormones and nutritional medicine and is actually a former emergency room doctor. I was so impressed with her and her approach from the first visit. Dr. Harper did a lot of testing, and has found that I was low on iron, Vitamin D, and that my adrenal system was shot. My thyroid levels were low, as were my progesterone and testosterone level. (No wonder I was feeling so bad!)

She changed my diet and put me on several supplements. She also recommended "calming exercise," which is great, because I just joined our local yoga center and I love walks with my friend Megan. Those are kinds of exercise I can live with!

I'm already feeling so much better, with more energy, endurance, and fewer mood swings, though the diet--no grains, beans, dairy, soda, soybean oil, etc.--is pretty severe. I'm taking it one meal at a time. I really, really miss Diet Coke. Milk, not so much.

As a nice side effect, I've lost several pounds already. And because I'm eating a lot of protein and fresh fruits and veggies at each meal, I've not been hungry at all! (Dr. Harper says that's also because my blood sugar is more stable.) Since I CAN have dark chocolate, peanut butter, honey, sorbet, and yogurt, I don't feel deprived, either.

I'm definitely not recommending this approach for everyone. Or even most women. But I was soooo ready to feel better, and I knew that most doctors just prescribe medicine for symptoms. I wanted someone who would tackle the root causes, and encourage me to prevent future disease, as well as treat my autoimmunity and help me deal with everyday life better.

I'm ready to take care of myself, like I should have been all along.

I'm tired of trying to deny that something is wrong, or acting as if I'm normal (I've never been "normal," even before my health issues cropped up!). LOL!

I'm a mom with a chronic illness, and I need to stop feeing sorry for myself and wishing that were different, and just accept it.  For my family's sake, as well as my own, I've got to take the necessary steps to live "my best life" (as Oprah would say).

Thankfully, I have a hubby who understands and supports me, and helps me in every way. This path is not cheap, and yet he feels it's an investment in me. (After all, good health is priceless--I don't take it for granted anymore) We want to pay now, or we'll pay much, much more later.

So periodically, I'll be blogging about the journey I'm on and I hope it helps someone else come to terms with their own limitations, and recognize that they have choices when it comes to healthcare.

And you know what else? With Christ's help, I'm realizing I really can do anything He asks me to...even give up Diet Coke!