The other night, I reconnected with an old college friend and sorority sister. As we chatted, she brought up a person we had both known, whom I had dated for two years. The more we talked, the more I remembered the devastation I felt after our eventual break-up...and the more upset I became.
For two years during college, I poured WAY too much time and emotion into a friendship that turned romantic...until one day, when my then-boyfriend told me he was struggling with his sexuality. It was shocking, confusing--and devastating. For years after our conversation, I kept his confidence. But I felt the consequences of his secrecy, and of our break-up, for much longer than I could have imagined.
"I'm sorry," I told my sweet friend, as I wiped tears away, and she handed me a Kleenex. "I didn't know I still felt so much pain about all that."
"Well, it was a big deal," she said. "We all knew something was wrong--but didn't know what it was."
That was the first time in my life I experienced depression, though it wouldn't be the last. I lost weight; missed classes; felt bone-crushing fatigue; and longed to be in any other reality, other than the the one I found myself in. My mom was so concerned about me that she flew from Amarillo to Waco to check on me in person (something she had never done before).
During the weeks surrounding my ex's confession, I also left behind my comfort zone and any semblance of a social life, since my then-beau and I had the same circle of friends. And because I had promised to keep my ex's secret, I couldn't tell anyone WHY I had ended the relationship.
No one understood, and I couldn't explain. My feelings careened from utter loneliness to anger at my ex, to anger at myself for allowing him to deceive me for so long. I was sure I'd never find someone to love--and to love me--who was kind, funny, godly, thoughtful, and...ahem...straight. I listened to Satan's whispers, and felt washed up at the ripe ol' age of twenty-two.
I couldn't have known that just a year later, I would meet the man who would become my husband. He's all the above--and much, much more. I couldn't have known that I needed to go through the break-up in order to learn more about God's faithfulness and provision. I couldn't have known that eventually forgiving my ex would be a difficult, but necessary, part of my healing...or that in the end, I would be thankful for the entire experience--if only because God spared me from marrying or becoming engaged to someone who would end up "coming out" a few years later. And to be clear, I carry no ill will towards him--I pray he has found peace and joy.
Why do I tell you this? Because for a long, long time, I've been embarrassed to write about that first wave of depression, and the reasons behind it. Other times, my emotional struggles came after events-- miscarriage, childbirth, a move--that seemed depression-worthy. But a romantic loss? I felt totally silly about the stock I put in that relationship, especially because in hindsight, I was naive, idealistic, and gullible. I only saw what I wanted to see.
Then I came upon the most honest and breath-taking words on depression I've ever read, from Donald Miller in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story.
He wrote, "The bones in my chest turned their sharp ends outward and made a tent of the skin over my heart. I told myself that it wasn't true, that I was a perfectly good person and God could change whatever it was that made me contemptible...but counselors from hell spoke to me...I was allowed to feel the brunt of it. The bones penetrated my chest in a sudden rip, emptying a body of blood down my shirt and onto my lap. The blood pooled in the lap of my pants and seeped into the carpet in my hotel room. I clasped my hand over my heart and knelt between the bed and the television and rolled onto the floor and cried out to God a lamenting demand that he would come and save me from the sorrow that, for the immensity of it, I could only attribute to him in the first place...I doubted and neeeded him at the same time. God seemed to me, in that moment, a cruel father burning a scar into my skin with his cigarette. And yet I knew he was the only one with the power to make the pain go away."
I first came upon the above passage while listening to an audio recording of his book, and I rewound it time after time, my heart beating fast and loud as I listened to Donald Miller tell his story.
Only it wasn't just his story. It was mine, too.
The event that shoved Miller headlong into his depressive state? A romantic break-up. That sure made me feel better. :)
I'm convinced that every person who suffers from depression--especially those who become even a bit suicidal--should be taken seriously.
I've come to believe that each depression is its own nightmare. No one is immune to depression; and no one can predict why or when depression will show up. He is a demon; a monster; an animal that claws and spits and breathes hissing lies into a shaking heart. He will be summoned by a small loss or a giant one. He plays no favorites, and has no single cure. He is common to all humanity--but he is NOT invincible.
I'm also adamant in sharing my story, over and over. Because in the midst of an ongoing battle, I've found hope. Just like I couldn't have known that God would bring my husband-to-be into my path a few short months after my break-up, I couldn't have known that depression would be a frequent visitor.
And yet.
Over the last twenty years, I've learned to fight the demon with prayer, medication, and the truth of His word. I've learned to lean on those I love to help pull me out of the pit. And I've learned to avoid habits that once kept me vulnerable to depression's dark pull.
What about you? Have you battled the demon and come out on the other side?
If so, PLEASE tell your story. Shout it loud--because darkness can't stand the light. Shame can't thrive where grace abounds.
And every time we share our testimony, we become stronger. Together, we can take away the stigma of depression and become more perfect in love.
, Debora Coty is hosting the Too Blessed to Be Stressed KINDLE Giveaway!
