Mother Inferior

If Mom Ran the World...

This morning on the way to work and school, my three men played a game in the car. It was called, "What if Mommy ran the world?"

The laws they came up with: "There would be no work before 10 a.m"; "You would HAVE to lift the toilet seat"; and "No laughing at her monster-hair when she wakes up."

I concurred demurely with their initial thoughts. And, after careful consideration, if I were Queen (or President, or Dictator--as the case may be) for the Day, I'd add a few rules, too:

• No one shall leave the milk carton in the fridge when it only has one tiny swig of liquid in it, under penalty of scrubbing said appliance. 
• I shall require my coffee (fixed just like I like it, with a LOT of hazelnut creamer) in bed, and shall have time to enjoy it before tending to the needs of the day.
• Teachers, soccer coaches, and other people in authority over my child(ren) shall grant me grace whenever I forget a practice, paper, or performance. 
• Speaking of teachers, they shall receive the pay that pro football players currently receive...with raises for meritous and miraculous achievements. 
• CEO's, entertainers, politicians, and sports players' salaries will be capped at a reasonable level. And docked severely for bad behavior. Especiallly cheating on their wives.
• Charlie Sheen is banned from ever going near a microphone or stage again, unless he becomes an evangelist or philanthropist [stop laughing, it could happen!]. 
• Child actors/performers are only to work for one season of a television show, and they are not allowed to tour, endorse products, or otherwise be exploited. And they can't record albums, or write MEMOIRS until they're at least 30. Sheesh.
• Reality television--especially anything with the word "Jersey," "Kardashian," "Real," or "Housewives" in the title--shall be henceforth and forevermore banned. 
• Ditto for horror movies and anything with over a PG-13 rating (except for a few notable exceptions).
• Each of my subjects will volunteer at a charity for an hour a week. Minimum.
• Solitude and silence will be celebrated and sought after, at least for thirty minutes a day.
• People must unplug for a majority of their day, and have actual conversations with each other. Being plugged in is fine--just in small doses.
• Everyone in my kingdom is required to read to a child for 15 minutes a day--preferably while cuddling with them.
• Ditziness shall be seen as a sign of intelligence, and shall never, ever be laughed at. Unless I'm laughing, too. Penalties for breaking this law shall include dusting, vacuuming, folding laundry, and cleaning the toilet.
• Speaking of chores, only rude and thoughtless people (esp. fast food workers who act like I'm annoying them by ordering) shall do them. I am exempt, for obvious reasons.
• Plump thighs and bellies shall be a sign of fertility and beauty, as in the days of Ruben. 
• Which reminds me--Rueben sandwiches will become the official Queen's sandwich. Except when I want a Patty Melt, or a French Dip. Can someone bring me a sandwich now, please?
• ALL body types (and skin colors!) will be celebrated and appreciated.
• Magazines and newspapers will from now on report on the good things that happen, as well as tragedies. Real-life heroes will be featured, instead of celebrities.  And tabloid photographers will be required to chase after each other, just to see what it feels like.

That was fun...now it's your turn! What would YOUR rules be, if you ran the world? I look forward to your answers! 

Is Your Kid a Character?

My tween loves art, and he's quite a character, too. So he's going to LOVE this:

Award-winning syndicated cartoonist Bob Weber, Jr. and Emmy Award-winning creator Jay Stephens have teamed up and created the humorous nationally syndicated comic strip Oh Brother!

The two main characters, Bud and Lily, are brother and sister, and they are always up to something. Bud likes getting into mischief and Lily has to pick up the pieces. With their lovable dog, Buster, by their side, their everyday adventures are hilarious.

Sound familiar? Would your child make the perfect comic strip character? Is he or she an impulsive prankster like Bud or precocious like Lily?

Tell us why and your kid may get the chance to be a part of the Oh, Brother! gang and appear in the strip as a classmate of Bud's or as Bud and Lily's neighbor!

To be eligible to win a coveted spot in this nationally syndicated comic strip you have two options. If you're a blogger, you can write a blog post that features your child's cartoon and then send us the link at OhBrotherContest@gmail.com.

If you don't blog but have a budding artist in your midst, email a cartoon drawing created by your child along with a brief description of why they would make the best "Oh Brother" character at OhBrotherContest@gmail.com.

Feel free to also visit the Oh Brother! Facebook Fan Page and let us know you've entered the contest. Finalists will be featured on the Oh Brother website and the winning entry will be selected by a select panel of blogging moms on March 21.  The ultimate grand prize winner will be featured in the nationally syndicated comic strip. When you send your email, please include your child's name and your contact information along with the cartoon drawing. To check out some great artwork submitted by budding cartoonists, visit the Oh Brother! art gallery

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  *This post was sponsored by the Role Mommy Writer's Network.

A Scripture Treasure Hunt

Yesterday, we got snowed in because the boys' school and my office were both closed. It was a real "Snow Day," too. The white stuff lay in drifts all over the place, and the wind blew as only a Texas panhandle wind can.

So, in order to keep my kids from watching television all day--or killing each other!--I was inspired to create a scripture treasure hunt for them.

First, I looked up scriptures that had house-related words in them.  Then, I put the references on Post-it Notes. Finally, I hid the notes around the house. I gave the boys Deuteronomy 32:2 and a Bible, and they began to look up the verses to figure out where the next clue was hidden, based on the words in the verse. (I intentionally gave them some verses which could refer to multiple places in the house, so the hunt would last longer.) They had a lot of fun, and so did I!

Here are the verses I used, all from the NIV, and the places in the house they referred to:

Shower: Deuteronomy 32:2--Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.

Oven: Joshua 9:12--This bread of ours was warm when we packed it at home on the day we left to come to you. But now see how dry and moldy it is.

Hot water heater: Genesis 31:40-This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes.

Bed: Exodus 8:3--The Nile will teem with frogs. They will come up into your palace and your bedroom and onto your bed, into the houses of your officials and on your people, and into your ovens and kneading troughs.

Closet: Matthew 6:6--But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

Stuffed animal (bear): Hosea 13:8--Like a bear robbed of her cubs, I will attack them and rip them open; like a lion I will devour them— a wild animal will tear them apart.

Door: Revelation 4:1--After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.”

Fireplace: Psalm 78:14--He guided them with the cloud by day and with light from the fire all night.

Pearl Girls winner

If you read the "12 Pearls of Christmas" post series, you might have entered the giveaway for a real pearl necklace.

If you did, you'll want to go here and see if you won.

Congrats to the LUCKY winner, and thanks to the "Pearl Girls" for letting me post their wonderful stories! :)

How to Write an Offensive Christmas Newsletter (snark alert!)

The world is divided into two camps: those who love Christmas newsletters, and those who despise them. I'm in the first group. But the people who hate them have probably been subjected repeatedly to irrirating letters, which are about as fun as a toddler on Red Bull.

So in the spirit of Christmas giving, I'm going to list a few pieces of advice to heed as you're penning your latest end-of-the-year roundup. Follow these tips at your own risk.

• First, list everything each of your flawless family members accomplished this year. Go heavy on the accolades, adjectives, and aimless chatter. Example: Stacy knitted forty-four caps for homeless veterans, gave her liver to a stranger, and was elected president of every club she's a member of. Oh, and she also played Moonlight Sonata in G at the local nursing home for Aunt Betty's birthday on March 31, to a standing ovation (well, those who could stand, did.)
• Include a paragraph about your or your children's pets--especially their health problems. Example: Our daughter's basset hound, Henry XIII, nearly lost his life to a bad case of pneumonia. Thankfully, our local vet--what a hero!--was able to intubate him in time. We almost lost our precious granddog!
• Speaking of health issues, list in excruciating detail your family's medical history. Example: Don suffered a ruptured colon in January and had to get a colostomy bag. Boy, was I tired of cleaning that thing after a week. Thank God, he's fine now. But Ellen (our college freshman) came down with Swine Flu in September and had to come home for a week. And I must say, her snot was as colorful as her wardrobe--those crazy kids!
• When it comes time to talk about your own comings and goings, really pile it on. And don't forget the false humility. Example: Though I was busy enough with my full-time job at the local non-profit (for which I won the local television station's "Woman of the Year" award--can you believe it?!), I also served as room mom for all three of my children, treated my husband to home-cooked dinners each night, and fired our cleaning lady. Somehow, my daily 5:30 a.m. spinning class at the Y (can you say COFFEE?) has given me the energy of four women. I also started clipping coupons, and the money we're saving on groceries has helped to fund an orphanage in Haiti. But it's all in a day's work, and I feel blessed to have such great kids and a supportive hubby.

And last, but not least:

• Include tons of photos--black and white, color, sepia, and the kids' school pictures (the tiny ones). And ask for pictures and updates from your friends. In fact, insist on it--and threaten to strike them from your Christmas list if they don't comply.

Thankfully, no one in my circle sends me horrible newsletters. In fact, I enjoy (almost) all of them! I love catching up with people--after all, Facebook statuses only go so far. Just remember these tips, because if you don't, you might find your newsletter at the bottom of someone's trashcan. 

And now, I must go take care of my puppy's overactive bladder issue. Happy Holidays!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Office...

Transitioning to full-time office work after more than a decade of freelancing has been interesting...and, at times, humiliating! Today, I'm sharing some of what I've been through in order to give you a laugh and make you feel better about the silly and ditzy things you do. (I'm not the only one who has "blond" moments, right?)

A few days before I had to report to my new office, I was instructed to go to a lab for a drug test. Since the job I'm doing is funded by government contracts, I wasn't surprised. However, I was shocked when I found out I had to undergo a supervised test. 

The HR Director told me, "People can buy specimins." I was so niave, I still didn't understand. Mom, or anyone offended by talk about bodily functions, stop reading this now--if you haven't already. It gets worse, and I sincerely apologize. But I have boys at home and they've ruined me.

Kelly patiently explained, "People buy fake urine." My mouth flew open, because I thought I'd seen a lot since my fresh-from-the-sticks days.I almost pulled an "Elaine Benes" and said Shut Up! but thought better of it.

So a few minutes later, I was squatting over a toilet while a nice young woman in scrubs stood by. YOU try using the bathroom while being scrutinized. It ain't easy!

I had to pee before I got in the bathroom, but with Clipboard Woman waiting not two feet from me, all I could do was smile apologetically after a few fruitless minutes.

I ask you, is there drug test etiquette? Do you make small talk in that situation? I had my skirt hiked up, my thighs were burning, and all I could think--because I'm still a Southern woman--was, should I ask her where she goes to church? I really didn't want to know, though, because I could just imagine trying to chat nonchalantly with my test administrator over donuts in Sunday School the next week. Awkward!

Finally, the ordeal was over. But my first week in the real world was just beginning...

The next little adventure occurred when I accidentally mistook a freezer near the water cooler for the fridge where people store their lunches. At noon, I realized my mistake when my salad was frozen solid. Sigh.

So there I stood in the break room, microwaving lettuce AND my icy dressing, and I couldn't find a fork. I looked through all the drawers, and just as I was about to eat with a pair of silver tongs, I remembered another break area. Victory! In a cabinet in the second room, I found a plastic utensil. My soggy lunch was saved.

And then, to top it all off, yesterday, I took my phone to the AT&T store, where I waited for fifteen minutes to find out that my new work cellphone didn't need a new batter; I was pressing the wrong button to turn it on.

Oh, well. I've learned one thing on this job, though I've only been on the payroll for five weeks: I'll never get bored...and there's always, always a lot to learn.

10 Tips to Stay Fashionable on a Budget

I've always loved fashion, ever since I was a teenager and I realized I could express my individuality and creativity through clothes. (Thankfully, my tastes have gotten a little more refined as I've gotten older, because I grew up in the 80's. Can you say fingerless gloves? Yikes!)

But as a grown up, I've held jobs for the love of them, not for what they paid. Teaching, writing, ministry--they aren't super high-paying professions (at least monetarily). So I've learned to buy clothes for my family (and me) on little to no money. Also, my sister-in-law, Julie, is a wonderful dresser and shopper, and she finds amazing deals. From her and from my own experience, I've gleaned some tips for aspiring frugal fashionistas:

1. Shop end-of-season sales, thinking in advance about what you'll need next year. Julie finds super-cheap, good quality kid clothes for her 6 and 3 year-olds by shopping ahead of time for the next year. (You have to think about how much the kiddos will grow, but it's sooo worth it!)

2. Visit thrift stores. The high schoolers at my tween's school have taught me this. They find wonderful stuff by sifting through racks at our town's two thrift stores. Last summer, I found a cute, tweed newsboy hat at one of the stores--for $1.99!

3. Don't overlook outlets. You have to comb through a lot of items, but outlet stores like Gap or Nordstrom's Rack contain treasures in the midst of some of their still-overpriced stock. 

4. Look at resale/consignment shops. I have friends that take clothes to these stores and earn money from their cast-offs. I've never done that, but I have found beautiful gently-used (and sometimes, never worn tops/dresses, with the tags still on!) clothes at consignment stores.

5. Buy your town's newspaper. Our paper has weekly sale ads for stores in town, and most of the time the ads include "Get an extra 15/20 percent off" coupons. Those savings can add up really quickly.

6. Have a swap party. With the economy the way it is, swap meets are coming back in style. Why not host an evening with girlfriends, complete with food, clothes, music and great conversation? Invite your buddies to bring purses, jewelry, and clothes they no longer want...and make sure everyone leaves with several items they can use.

7. Go online. You can find amazing deals on clothing and accessories at places like Ebay.

8. Shop catalogs. If you like to shop without the crowds, catalogs are a great option. And they often have wonderful sales at season's end.

9. Visit garage sales. Frequent the nicer parts of town, and you can find tremendous bargains.

10. Look in the classified ads. Sometimes, people list ads for collections of clothing (kids, women, etc.) in a certain size.

What tips do you have for staying fabulous on a budget? Join the discussion on Twittermoms--and let me know what ideas you have. I'd love to hear!

Disclosure: I wrote this blog post while participating in the TwitterMoms and Gap Outlet blogging program to be eligible to win a $20 gift card. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

What's Your Best Mom Moment? (Win a Prize Pack!)

We all have them. Those moments when we choose to laugh, not cry--to see the lighter side of motherhood. What's your best one?

I'd love to hear--and to encourage you to reply, I'm going to give a prize pack away to one lucky reader. The prize is a gift pack full of goodies for moms:

• 2 copies of Having a Mary Spirit by Joanna Weaver (one for you, one for a friend)
• 1 copy of the new Spanish edition of Mothers of the Bible Speak to Mothers Today by Kathi Macias
• "For This Child I Pray" by Tanya Crump, a combination music and spoken-word CD of scriptures read by an awesome woman of God--I met her at a speaking event in Lubbock, Texas--set to instrumental music (lullabies and hymns)
• 1 copy of Day-votions for Mothers by Rebecca Barlow Jordan
• A small package of bubble bath and body lotion from Bath Junkie :)

So what's your best moment? Mine was when Jax was still in diapers and Jordan was about seven. We had been eating dinner after baths, and I got out the Nilla Wafers and Nutella (my favorite snack on the planet when I'm not being "good"). Then I turned my back for a moment--not smart if you have two energetic boys in the house.

Before I knew it, my precocious older son had smeared Jackson all over with Nutella. The baby was chocolate-covered! Turns out the second graders at Jordy's school had been studying Indians and Jordy decided to give Jax a little war-paint.

Instead of yelling or scolding, I laughed and laughed. Then I said, "Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

And so I grabbed a Nilla Wafer, scooped some chocolate off Jax's tummy, and ate it (he had just been bathed, by me, so I knew he was clean).

I know that might gross some of you out, but if so, you wouldn't survive the week at my house. I've had to develop thick skin around here!

Anyway, the boys thought it was hilarious--and they followed suit. I wish I had a picture from that night, but I do have the picture in my mind. I want to be that kind of mom more often.

What about you? When did you last laugh in the midst of chaos? Come on, I want to hear!

Respond by May 31st, and then I'll randomly pick a winner to receive the prize pack.

Spring in the Hill Country--in Pictures

 

 

 

 

   

Some Fun Upcoming "Mom" Events

If you're in the San Antonio area, Ingram Park Mall has some really cool events coming up:

Mom's Nite Out

Thursday, May 6th
6 pm to 8 pm
Center Court

“Mom’s Nite Out” will showcase various mom-friendly services and organizations that will help celebrate motherhood. Attendees will enjoy of fashion tips, goody bags, entertainment, makeovers, refreshments, and more!


Moms Just Wanna Have Fun

Weekend event full of Fashion and entertainment for moms and those looking for the great mother's day gift. Moms can come and check out the latest fashions tendencies from mall retailers and the University of the Incarnate Word fashion students, get a make-over, enjoy food sampling, arts & crafts, goody bags, entertainment and much more. They can also check out great fashion for dad and their children.


Friday, April 30
6:30 pm to 8:00 pm Kick-Off Reception to benefit the Salvation Army
Exclusive Macy's Runway Show
Saturday, May 1
2:00 pm Runway Show- Various retailers
3:30 pm University of the Incarnate Word Runway Show
5:00 pm Runway Show- Various retailers
Thursday, April 29 to Sunday, May 2--Arts & Crafts Show

I hope you can make it to one or both of these events. They sound really fun!