Transitioning to full-time office work after more than a decade of freelancing has been interesting...and, at times, humiliating! Today, I'm sharing some of what I've been through in order to give you a laugh and make you feel better about the silly and ditzy things you do. (I'm not the only one who has "blond" moments, right?)
A few days before I had to report to my new office, I was instructed to go to a lab for a drug test. Since the job I'm doing is funded by government contracts, I wasn't surprised. However, I was shocked when I found out I had to undergo a supervised test.
The HR Director told me, "People can buy specimins." I was so niave, I still didn't understand. Mom, or anyone offended by talk about bodily functions, stop reading this now--if you haven't already. It gets worse, and I sincerely apologize. But I have boys at home and they've ruined me.
Kelly patiently explained, "People buy fake urine." My mouth flew open, because I thought I'd seen a lot since my fresh-from-the-sticks days.I almost pulled an "Elaine Benes" and said Shut Up! but thought better of it.
So a few minutes later, I was squatting over a toilet while a nice young woman in scrubs stood by. YOU try using the bathroom while being scrutinized. It ain't easy!
I had to pee before I got in the bathroom, but with Clipboard Woman waiting not two feet from me, all I could do was smile apologetically after a few fruitless minutes.
I ask you, is there drug test etiquette? Do you make small talk in that situation? I had my skirt hiked up, my thighs were burning, and all I could think--because I'm still a Southern woman--was, should I ask her where she goes to church? I really didn't want to know, though, because I could just imagine trying to chat nonchalantly with my test administrator over donuts in Sunday School the next week. Awkward!
Finally, the ordeal was over. But my first week in the real world was just beginning...
The next little adventure occurred when I accidentally mistook a freezer near the water cooler for the fridge where people store their lunches. At noon, I realized my mistake when my salad was frozen solid. Sigh.
So there I stood in the break room, microwaving lettuce AND my icy dressing, and I couldn't find a fork. I looked through all the drawers, and just as I was about to eat with a pair of silver tongs, I remembered another break area. Victory! In a cabinet in the second room, I found a plastic utensil. My soggy lunch was saved.
And then, to top it all off, yesterday, I took my phone to the AT&T store, where I waited for fifteen minutes to find out that my new work cellphone didn't need a new batter; I was pressing the wrong button to turn it on.
Oh, well. I've learned one thing on this job, though I've only been on the payroll for five weeks: I'll never get bored...and there's always, always a lot to learn.
